Live.Laugh. Love.

MakeUps & BreakUps

2009-01-29T22:58:00.003-04:00

Ughhhh I am sooo freakin frustrated right now...

Drew & I are not together anymore as of a couple minutes ago, and honestly I have no one to talk to about this and don't even know where to start on what's running through my head. I wish I could speak to him rationally without things blowing out of proportion or offending him, but I think it's damn near impossible right now considering he's so mad at me.

I'm just so tired of being the bad guy. I'm always the person that is to blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our relationship. It's always something...that's what he always says. How the hell am I supposed to know what that SOMETHING is if he never talks to me about it? I'll know that he's upset just from his body language, but when I ask him to talk to me about it he won't open up. Yet as soon as I'm out the door, I get the nasty text messages that start a huge ass argument--over the phone. Never, has he EVER talked to me about anything in person, and that right there kind of scares me. What are we supposed to do if we ever do get married? Text fight each other from separate rooms? No. I can't do it...I just can't.

I feel like right now the past year and a half of my life is just...gone. Drew has broken up with me so many times I can't even count them, and it's always been about the same thing since the second week we were together. Maybe that should have been a sign right there. He doesn't trust me.

I don't know, to me, I'm the most trustworthy person there is. I would never EVER cheat on him...and despite how much I know that it will NEVER happen and how many times I tell him that, it doesn't get through his head that I'm telling the truth.

As for tonight, I'm so freakin exhausted that I'm just over it. I have no energy to even sit here and cry about it...that's how tired I am. ..but I can't even sleep because all of these thoughts are going through my head that I just have to vent about.

Tomorrow I turn in my dental hygiene application, and after that, it's just a waiting game. A game that determines how the rest of my life will turn out. I'm so stressed out about this application, I mean it has to be BEYOND perfect because my grades still aren't up to par...I'm just going to have to rely on pure begging in my admissions essay. It's so hard having to deal with trying to get straight A's as well as worrying about a boyfriend that doesn't trust me. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall because he just doesn't listen to what I have to say. But it's always my fault when he doesn't remember me telling him something or he mixes up my schedule.

For now, I'm letting Drew do what he wants to do. I'm NOT going to sit here and beg for him to come back because that only makes me look like the idiot that comes running back to the person who says they want to be with you one minute and wants to break up with you the next. I should be worth more than that. I AM worth more than that...and I'm not going to let myself be sucked in just because I love him. I need PROOF that I actually mean something to him.

Love is so fucking crazy and it does some insane things to your mind...deep down I KNOW that Drew is the only guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life...but can HE handle being with me? It hurts so bad to be told that I'm just too much stress to deal with...but what can I do. I'm only human, and I do make mistakes, but I know that choosing to be with Drew is not a mistake. It's what I want, and it's the only thing that I want...however the angry side of Drew I just don't know if I can deal with. Hopefully, I'll get MY Drew back.

Can't sleep...

2008-06-23T21:06:00.003-04:00

I just wrote all that and I still can't seem to fall asleep. What the F is wrong with me?!?!

I'm in love...that's what's wrong. And I can't fall asleep without hearing his voice....

this shit sucks.

Depressedddd :(

2008-06-23T20:48:00.001-04:00

It was so easy…ya know; so easy for him to just text me and say “I can’t be with you anymore.” Almost too easy. I’m still in shock…I don’t even know what to think. How could the ONE person that I KNOW I want to spend the rest of my life with (and who I thought wanted the same) just waltz right out of it like I was just another ant he squished on the sidewalk…not even knowing the damage he caused…

I want him back sooo badly…it’s so f*ing hard to just sit here and wonder what he’s thinking about, what he’s doing, anything and everything relating to him. I’m so scared that this is going to be my only chance…that I’ll never get another one to have him back in my life. I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen now. I mean obviously, I’m going to be single for a lonnng time; I mean I can’t even imagine TALKING to another guy right now, let alone dating…but this sucks so bad. In the back of my mind I was always scared that this day would come, that I would let myself be vulnerable again and that…of course…once again, I would be left here with my heart broken.

At the same time though, when I really sit here and think about it, these past couple weeks have been by FAR the toughest in our relationship. Up until this point, we never really argued, but I kind of knew that summer school would be the time our relationship would be put to the test. It was our “make it or break it” moment…and I guess he just couldn’t make it. It’s sad though, knowing that the end of summer school is only 10 days away. And honestly, if he can’t make it 10 more days I have no idea how the hell we were supposed to make it 10’s of years.

I love Drew more than anything in the world. I know everyone knows that…but I can’t help but let everyone know over and over and over again. He really is the only person I can ever imagine myself lying next to at the end of a rough day and being automatically cheered up just by being in his presence and looking in his incredibly gorgeous blue eyes (that have their tendencies to change color but are incredibly sexy regardless of color) :D
I have no idea what I’m going to do without him. I mean yes, my life doesn’t revolve around him, I have my school work to worry about too…but the majority of my happiness came from having him in my life…and without him in it, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like tomorrow. Not being able to text or call him whenever I want, never knowing if I’m going to see him again. For all I know, he’s probably going to end up quitting Texas and moving to South Carolina…JUST so he won’t have to deal with seeing me. I was really hoping that things would work out for us. Well really, I’m still hoping. I know that I can’t give up on us this easily; it’s been almost a year and I know that we didn’t stay together this long for nothing. Being with Drew is not just a comfort or security issue for me. Not a fear of being alone, or just knowing that I have someone there…it’s complete and passionate love more than anything in the world. I don’t just want him back…I NEED him back. I want my Drew back. Yep…that’s right….MY DREW :(

Just...Plain...Exhausted

2008-06-03T18:43:00.002-04:00

Man, what a couple weeks I've had. So about 4 weeks ago I started my summer school class...A&P (take 2). I definitely have to say that it's slightly easier the second time around, everything starts to make a little more sense; but it's still hard as hell and I've been busting my ass these past 4 weeks so that I can get my A. I've been doing a good job so far, but Thursday and Friday I have 3 exams total...one-third of my final grade. It's been sooo incredibly stressful for me these past 4 weeks. I'm literally about to be at my breaking point with both physical and emotional exhaustion. Getting up at 4:30 in the morning when you are NOT a morning person...just to get to ODU by 6am for lab...I'm tired ALL THE TIME. All the hard work and sacrifices that I have had to make just to get this A...it's so much to take in. Especially when I'm risking everything by not being able to see Drew as much as I would like.

I don't know what I'd do without that boy. Even picturing a day in my life without him gets me upset...I don't know what I'll ever do if he's ever truly gone. Ya know, I never really thought that you would truly "know when you find the One." I always hoped for it, yes, but never really expected it to happen...then it did. Drew is the only guy I EVER want to be with. For the rest of my life. For better or for worse, richer for poorer...I don't care as long as it's with him. Only 4 more weeks to go til this class is over though...hopefully I'll make it through... & we'll make it through together.

Happy 9 months!

2008-04-16T14:23:00.003-04:00

So today is Drew and I's 9 month anniversary! Yay =D

I'm so glad that we've made it to this point together. Sadly, this is the longest relationship I've ever been in, but I can definitely see why this one has been the longest. It's definitely the best. Seriously, I couldn't ask for more in the relationship I'm in right now. I've never been so happy in my entire life, and it's because of Drew. I've gone through so much stress in my life over the past 9 months, and Drew has always been there for me to be my supporter, best friend, and lover. And hopefully, if things go my way, this happiness will continue forever =D

On the subject of school, I've decided to go for the whole double major thing and major in both Dental Hygiene (if I get in next year) and Psychology. Psychology definitely isn't my passion, but I do find it interesting and if Dental Hygiene doesn't work out for me, atleast I will have a degree when it's time for me to graduate. It seems like that's the only thing that really matters in the real world anyways. So the plan is to keep on trying for the Dental Hygiene, but for the time being I have to retake two of my classes to boost my GPA, as well as take classes toward my Psych major until I reapply next February for Hygiene school again. Atleast I'm not wasting my time though; the original plan was to take off a year, but honestly, I don't know if I would have gone back. So for the time being, I'm scheduling to retake Anatomy over the summer, (8 weeks of doing NOTHING but anatomy every single week day...yuck) and then start again in the fall with my pscychology courses. I think I'm still going to apply to VCU's program; it doesn't cost anything to apply and it will atleast be another option for me to have. If I do get in there, I'll just figure out what I'm going to do when the time comes...

I'm out =)

Dreams Crushed? Heard.

2008-03-22T13:42:00.002-04:00

So I got my letter from dental hygiene school this morning...Deeeenied. Grrrrrrrrreat. So now I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Yeah, I could reapply next year and blah blah blah, but do I really want to go through five years of school PLUS not even be guaranteed that I'll get in next year? It even says on the application that if you take a class over again to boost your GPA that it's frowned upon because you should have got it right the first time basically. I don't even want to show my face at the dental office now after I wasted their time by giving me an internship and writing me my letter of recommendation and everything. More than anything, it's just EMBARRASING. I'm so used to getting everything I've ever wanted that it sucks so bad to be rejected at the one thing that could guarantee every dream I've ever had to come true.

I'm thinking about applying at VCU next year. Their application process is so much more slack than ODU's, I would only have to have a minimum of a 2.5(!!!!) GPA to get in there compared to ODU's 3.2-3.3. I don't understand how schools can have such different standards and yet the people who graduate are getting the same exact degree and are going to be making the same amount of money. It's freaking ridiculous. There's so many pros and cons about going to VCU though. I'll pretty much be guaranteed that I'll get in there, but yet I can't leave Drew behind, and I don't know if I'll be able to quit my job and find a new one in Richmond, plus be able to live on my own. I've been spoiled so bad by commuting to school and having my parents pay for everything, let alone having a job literally 3 minutes from my house.

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:o

Reminiscing...

2008-03-11T00:52:00.003-04:00

So for some reason tonight, I keep having these insane "I wish I could go back in time" moments, and I'm not sure why. Really, I think it's just because I miss all my old friends. I always knew that this day would come; all of us would go our separate ways into the "real world" and we would lose touch with a couple people, but I never thought I'd lose touch with pretty much all of them. Even my "best friends" I can't even call my best friends anymore. Drew is my best friend. But that's what I always wanted, right? To have a boyfriend that would also be my best friend and be my world? So why is it that I have recurring thoughts about how much I miss the way things used to be?

I'm definitely not complaining about the way things are right now, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life...it's just that sometimes I wish I had my girl friends there for me like I used to have them. It's my fault, I know. I spend all my free time with my boyfriend...but there's just days, especially when I'm stressed out, that I wish I had a girl to talk to about my problems.

The #1 thing I miss, though?
--I miss how innocent things used to be. I miss how in high school I used to get so much entertainment out of doing stupid stuff like driving around Poquoson, singing obnoxiously in the car, and sneaking around our parents to go party. I miss our girls night outs and our intense conversations about love and life which so quickly turned into being doubled over in laughter. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to high school, if just for a day, to have my friends and that innocence back. I've looked forward to this moment in my life for the past 19 1/2 years, and now that it's finally here, it's so hard for me to take it in. 2 more years, and I could have EVERYTHING that I've ever looked forward to if the cards play out right.

I feel like I'm getting so old, that I'm gaining so much responsibility with each passing day that it's almost overwhelming. I feel that I have so much pressure on me to do what I have to in order to make sure that my life turns out the way that I want it to. I can't even comprehend that my life is being shaped with each decision that I make in these next few years....and each one can either make or break me.

L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E

2008-02-20T10:52:00.004-04:00

I haven't wrote in a lonnng time...but things are pretty much the same. Still in school, still struggling at it, still working at Texas, and still with Drew; and only because of him I'm honestly happier than I've ever been in my entire life...hence the subject of my blog.

I've never had someone be there for me and be my best friend in the entire world and love me as much as I love him-- and never have to worry if he feels the same. He's my prince charming...he really is. I couldn't ask for anything better, and my feelings for him only grow with each passing day. It really does scare me though; it scares me that in a second he could be gone and I could be left here with my heart broken. I trust that he won't though; I honestly I feel like he's the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We've been through a lot together, such as having to deal with the whole Shawn and Melissa situation and a lot of jealousy at the beginning, but it's only because we were both scared of being hurt. Because of the fact that he stuck by me, supported me, and stayed with me that whole time, that's one of the reasons I know that he's the one I want to be with. Just looking at him still gives me butterflies...and honestly, after seven months, that usually doesn't happen to me. But he's amazing...and different...my parents actually love him (which can't be said about any other boyfriend other than one) and I can't imagine going a day in my life without him. Now I'm definitely not saying I'm in any rush to get married, I mean it has only been seven months and things might change, but once I have my life figured out and he has his, I do hope that we're still together so that we can get to that point.

I've dreamed about feeling like this ever since I was a little girl. I always wanted to find the man I wanted to be with after I had my time to do my partying, and then I wanted to settle down. Not that I really thought it was going to happen, but it did! Now, the only thing I have left to do in my dream is get into dental hygiene school and actually graduate college...then live the dream I've always wanted.

It's so crazy to see how this relationship got put together. Never in my life would I think that I'd meet the man I wanted to be with at the club, have him reject me (well I thought), have him move to California and back, and then come back into my life at the weirdest of places....Texas Steakhouse. Strangely, though, I love working with him. It's going to be a sad day when I finally get the balls to quit Texas and he's still working there as a manager. Okay, so maybe it won't be that sad for me cuz I'll be making BANK as a dental hygienist and I won't have to deal with rude obnoxious guests anymore :) But honestly, I hope that everything goes the way I want it to. I know life is going to throw some curve balls and it's not going to happen exactly as planned, but I know that we'll get through it.

Well, now that I've expressed how insanely in love I am with Andrew Ayers, I'm going to go see my sexy ba-r-tender at work :)
then off to my anatomy exam....

Venting...

2007-11-30T02:28:00.000-04:00

I can't take school anymore. I feel like I could study my ass off and work hard at it everyday and no matter what I still wouldn't do well. I've been so stressed out lately that it's come to the point where I've felt like I was going to break down--both emotionally and physically. School has never EVER been this hard for me...I could take all four years of my high school career and pile it all on top of each other and it still wouldn't be as hard as this anatomy class is for me. (Studying for it is what I should be doing right now instead of typing up this blog)

The closer that it gets to February, the more and more I keep stressing. Pretty much, my whole future depends on if I do well in these classes this semester and get into hygiene school. If I don't get in, I seriously don't know WHAT I'm going to do.....maybe take a year off and reapply the next year? I don't even want to think about it....

I've been interning at the dentist office and I absolutely LOVE it. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life; THIS is what I want to do. It's so flexible, good money, and I actually enjoy working in those little kids' mouths...gross to some people, haha but I love it and I love being able to help people without technically having their life in my hands. This interning is adding on to the stress though; 7am on a Saturday morning, I want to be in my BED--not in the dental office. That's why I had to take a break from working like I do at Texas. I definitely cannot work Friday night there, Saturday morning at the dentist, Saturday night at Texas, and a double Sunday at Texas like I had been doing. So now I have the next three weeks to study...and just relax a little :)

On a positive note, things with Drew and I are absolutely amazing. I haven't been this happy in SOOOO long...and it's so nice to finally have someone who I can feel like I can put all my trust into. Of course, I'll always have my slight doubts like I'd have with anyone, but I'm amazed at myself for actually being able to trust anyone at all after all the things that Shawn did to me. I'm SO happy that I made the decision to completely end things with him...because I would never be as happy as I am today. I'm head over heels in love...and feeling like that again is such a shock and scares the shit out of me every day to have my heart in someone else's hands. But I think it's in the right person's this time--and I wouldn't change it for the world :)

Think Before You Cheat...

2007-08-06T12:11:00.001-04:00

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
the smiles, the flowers, everything...is gone
I found out about you
even now just looking at you...feels wrong
you say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

You should've said no, you should've gone home
you should've thought twice before you let it all go
you should've known that word bout what you did with her would get back to me...
and I should've been there in the back of you mind
and I shouldn't be asking myself why
you shouldn't be begging for my forgiveness at my feet...
you should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying and baby you know all the right things to say
but do you honestly expect me to believe we could ever be the same...
you say that the past is the past, you need one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should have said no.
I can't resist...before you go, tell me this:
was it worth it...was she worth this
...no.

-------------------------------------------------
So while love is an AMAZING feeling and all, I'm starting to think that it definitely hinders your abilities to see when things are terribly wrong...even when people are telling it to you every day. Things with Shawn and I are and have been completely insane. I just couldn't do it though, it all came down to the point where everything was right in my face and I hit rock bottom. I'm tired of hearing apology after apology...especially when there's something new to apologize about every two weeks or so. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you apologize to me, cheating on me will never EVER be okay. That's so disrespectful; and as hard as I've tried, it's become unforgivable.

I did EVERYTHING to make my relationship with Shawn work. Everyone knows that. I put so much into it, and for what? NOTHING. Being cheated on once again, even though he finally said he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. I'm so freakin tired of being the one that puts everything in the relationship just to watch it fail. He and Nichole deserve each other, they really do. Things won't ever be done between them as much as they claim it is. Yes, I may be young, but I definitely know a lot more than that 25 year old "woman". If she's such a woman she might need to grow up a little and stop sleeping around, moving around from place to place and job to job, going out and getting drunk, and then coming home to her child. Real responsible. And to Shawn: You can't say that things have changed when you're still hanging out with her everyday. And saying sorry will never make anything better. You did me wrong....sooooooooo wrong... and there's no coming back. EVER. And aside from all the insanity, I've started hanging out with an amazinggg guy. Who just doesn't deserve to have to be put through this. I'm done.

Ugh. Just had to vent.

It's Just the Way Life Goes...

2007-05-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

So I've decided............ I'm going to become gay..
Juussstttt kidding!

Haha but seriously. Every time that I think I've finally found someone to make me truly happy, something goes wrong. Shawn and I broke up two days ago--for good this time. And you know what, as much as I was upset and hurt that night, I honestly think that it was the right decision. He's a great guy and everything, but he doesn't realize how much people care about him and he takes it for granted way too much. There are so many people that know him that want to help him become a better person and come out of the lifestyle that he used to live, and it just sucks watching him ignore everyone and try to look out only for himself. He may be a lot older than I am, but he has a LOT of growing up to do compared to me.

Now, I know that if things continued with us and we got back together AGAIN...it wasn't going to help. I can't be in a relationship where I have to constantly worry about whether or not my boyfriend is feeling the same emotions I am. To be told "I love you so much but I'm not in love with you and can't love you the way that I should..." That hurts. To be lied to time and time again throughout a relationship--that's not healthy either. Maybe I should have learned the first couple times around, ya know?

I'm just so tired of being told that I'm the perfect girl and that I'm so mature for my age and beautiful etc etc...and then, be pretty much told that even though all of that is true, I'm just not good enough. That sh*t sucks. I'm so tired of it...I really am. I'm so tired of putting my heart on the line only to have it thrown around.

So here's to the guys that have hurt me, and to the guys that are going to in the future...

F*ck you =]

That's all I have to say.

Err update?

2007-04-19T22:42:00.001-04:00

I knew it wouldn't take me very long to forget about this thing. I haven't written in over a month! Not that there has been anything too exciting for me to write about...

Work still pretty much sucks, although Jeff is really starting to grow on me and work is becoming slightly more bearable than it was when Scott was there. Plus, David being there always makes things at Texas so much better. (I know he's one of the few people that read this so I decided to throw him in there, hehe. But honestly, it's the truth too.)

School, well that's a story in itself. How is it that I don't go to my Chemistry class for 2 weeks and get a 90 on the exam, then when I actually go to class I don't comprehend anything and get a 60!? So, I haven't been to Chemistry since my last exam....and I have another one coming up on Tuesday. We'll see how that one goes. Finals are coming up next week; I'm starting to stress about it already. I have to do good this semester so that I can get into my Dental Hygiene program--otherwise I'm screwed for life. My schedule for next semester looks pretty sweet, I gotta get up at 5:30 in the morning MWF, but I'm out early every day and have no class at all on Thursdays so I think I'll survive.

Another update: The love life problems I had a month ago are finally solved now; I think it took me losing Shawn for real and thinking that I was never going to get him back to realize how much I truly cared about him and how much I love him. The week without him I tried to act happy; I mean hey I was the one that broke up with him. But when it came down to it, I wasn't happy. After not talking to him for 5 days, it became unbearable for me to go another second without speaking to him. I had to talk to him, and I had to get him back--and luckily, I did. I almost lost him, things were so hectic those next couple days. It seemed like we had both tried to move on and were struggling to do so, so we kept on changing our minds about what we wanted. But I guess we just couldn't get over each other enough to do it. Shawn came up to Texas on Tuesday night after we broke up and now we're together and happier than we ever were before.

Welp, I'm f*in exhausted; I'm procrastinating hard core on doing my homework...so I think I'm going to go do that. Maybe in another month I'll decide to come back and try this again.

Lessons Learned

2007-03-17T00:27:00.000-04:00

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.

Ahh I love Carrie Underwood :)

Well I didn't put that song up there just because I like it; although I do happen to LOVE it...but it pretty much sums up everything I wanted to write in this blog. These past couple days have been complete CHAOS in my head; I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I've always been the person that seems like they have their love life under control--but seriously, I haven't got a clue anymore.

I've never been told what to do by anyone other than my parents, and for some reason, in this relationship, while I'm not told exactly what I can and cannot do, I feel like I'm being made to feel bad about going out on a regular basis. I'm 18 years old, and maybe that's the problem with dating someone older. They've had their years to party, but what the heck, I'm just starting mine--and I happen to love it. It's so much different once you turn 21. You can sit around and be like "hey, lets go get a drink" and then go to a bar or restaurant, whatever. It's so much different for underage people like myself.

Pretty much, I could go on and on about all the things that bother me, but I'm going to choose not to for the sake of whomever may read this. But to put it bluntly, I just don't think I'm happy anymore--and I hate this feeling. I'm tired of being dependent on guys, but I'd rather be in a relationship any day than to be out talking to random guys and stuff at a bar. I have no clue what I'm going to do, I wish I could see the future...

I Hate Growing Up

2007-03-14T00:13:00.000-04:00

Even though I always say that I love school, the start of this week has just been complete HELL. I didn't do anything that I said I was going to do over Spring Break, and I've come to realize that I'm the biggest procrastinator in the world.

I knew that I had an exam coming up today...but did I study over break? Absolutely not. I'm pretty sure I failed it today...and on top of that, didn't even get my lab report finished so I probably got a bad grade on that as well. What the heck is wrong with me? It's not like I even did anything productive over Spring Break. I still haven't found a car, still haven't got my eyes checked (I'm on my last pair and can't order any until I get them checked; AND I can't see worth shit right now), still haven't got my last hepatitis shot, and still haven't gotten my hair cut. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm grown and moved out of my parents' house. I'm honestly scared to go to the doctor by myself because I'm scared that I'll pass out from the shot like I almost did last time. Car shopping, well, I'm just scared that I'm going to be ripped off on something because I'm a girl, and just in general--I hate being by myself.

All in all, I'm honestly scared of growing up. I know I talk to my parents like I've got everything under control and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in life, but i have no clue. I don't really pay for anything right now. I mean my cell phone bill, all my food, clothes, and gas; but other than that, I have no idea where my money goes. I can't imagine going from this lifestyle I have right now to one where I have rent, utilities, insurance, car payments, and God knows what other bills. I want to move out of this house SO BAD sometimes because I just feel like I'm this huge inconvenience to my parents, but I just can't get up the balls to do it. Everything has been pretty much handed to me all my life, and while I thank my parents for always being there for me and providing me with that stuff, sometimes I do wish that I had it rough so that I would be more prepared for "going out into the real world."

I know I'm only 18...I'm still young and I have a long way to go--but I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I loved junior and senior year. I had so much fun, I was able to drive and do whatever the hell I felt like doing--minus the 12:00 curfew, but I still had a blast. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to high school. Wow.......never thought I would hear that come out of my mouth...

Hello!

2007-03-09T15:37:00.000-04:00

So after having a livejournal and completely stopping posting entries on that for a good year or so, I've decided to give blogging another try. I know I won't be able to keep up with it; but hey, now I can vent to the computer screen anytime I need to. Sounds like a plan to me. Anyway, this is just a hello to those of you who might be reading this, I'll be sure to try and post a decent read-worthy blog in the near future. Love, me :)