MakeUps & BreakUps

Ughhhh I am sooo freakin frustrated right now...

Drew & I are not together anymore as of a couple minutes ago, and honestly I have no one to talk to about this and don't even know where to start on what's running through my head. I wish I could speak to him rationally without things blowing out of proportion or offending him, but I think it's damn near impossible right now considering he's so mad at me.

I'm just so tired of being the bad guy. I'm always the person that is to blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our relationship. It's always something...that's what he always says. How the hell am I supposed to know what that SOMETHING is if he never talks to me about it? I'll know that he's upset just from his body language, but when I ask him to talk to me about it he won't open up. Yet as soon as I'm out the door, I get the nasty text messages that start a huge ass argument--over the phone. Never, has he EVER talked to me about anything in person, and that right there kind of scares me. What are we supposed to do if we ever do get married? Text fight each other from separate rooms? No. I can't do it...I just can't.

I feel like right now the past year and a half of my life is just...gone. Drew has broken up with me so many times I can't even count them, and it's always been about the same thing since the second week we were together. Maybe that should have been a sign right there. He doesn't trust me.

I don't know, to me, I'm the most trustworthy person there is. I would never EVER cheat on him...and despite how much I know that it will NEVER happen and how many times I tell him that, it doesn't get through his head that I'm telling the truth.

As for tonight, I'm so freakin exhausted that I'm just over it. I have no energy to even sit here and cry about it...that's how tired I am. ..but I can't even sleep because all of these thoughts are going through my head that I just have to vent about.

Tomorrow I turn in my dental hygiene application, and after that, it's just a waiting game. A game that determines how the rest of my life will turn out. I'm so stressed out about this application, I mean it has to be BEYOND perfect because my grades still aren't up to par...I'm just going to have to rely on pure begging in my admissions essay. It's so hard having to deal with trying to get straight A's as well as worrying about a boyfriend that doesn't trust me. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall because he just doesn't listen to what I have to say. But it's always my fault when he doesn't remember me telling him something or he mixes up my schedule.

For now, I'm letting Drew do what he wants to do. I'm NOT going to sit here and beg for him to come back because that only makes me look like the idiot that comes running back to the person who says they want to be with you one minute and wants to break up with you the next. I should be worth more than that. I AM worth more than that...and I'm not going to let myself be sucked in just because I love him. I need PROOF that I actually mean something to him.

Love is so fucking crazy and it does some insane things to your mind...deep down I KNOW that Drew is the only guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life...but can HE handle being with me? It hurts so bad to be told that I'm just too much stress to deal with...but what can I do. I'm only human, and I do make mistakes, but I know that choosing to be with Drew is not a mistake. It's what I want, and it's the only thing that I want...however the angry side of Drew I just don't know if I can deal with. Hopefully, I'll get MY Drew back.

Can't sleep...

I just wrote all that and I still can't seem to fall asleep. What the F is wrong with me?!?!



I'm in love...that's what's wrong. And I can't fall asleep without hearing his voice....



this shit sucks.

Depressedddd :(

It was so easy…ya know; so easy for him to just text me and say “I can’t be with you anymore.” Almost too easy. I’m still in shock…I don’t even know what to think. How could the ONE person that I KNOW I want to spend the rest of my life with (and who I thought wanted the same) just waltz right out of it like I was just another ant he squished on the sidewalk…not even knowing the damage he caused…

I want him back sooo badly…it’s so f*ing hard to just sit here and wonder what he’s thinking about, what he’s doing, anything and everything relating to him. I’m so scared that this is going to be my only chance…that I’ll never get another one to have him back in my life. I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen now. I mean obviously, I’m going to be single for a lonnng time; I mean I can’t even imagine TALKING to another guy right now, let alone dating…but this sucks so bad. In the back of my mind I was always scared that this day would come, that I would let myself be vulnerable again and that…of course…once again, I would be left here with my heart broken.

At the same time though, when I really sit here and think about it, these past couple weeks have been by FAR the toughest in our relationship. Up until this point, we never really argued, but I kind of knew that summer school would be the time our relationship would be put to the test. It was our “make it or break it” moment…and I guess he just couldn’t make it. It’s sad though, knowing that the end of summer school is only 10 days away. And honestly, if he can’t make it 10 more days I have no idea how the hell we were supposed to make it 10’s of years.

I love Drew more than anything in the world. I know everyone knows that…but I can’t help but let everyone know over and over and over again. He really is the only person I can ever imagine myself lying next to at the end of a rough day and being automatically cheered up just by being in his presence and looking in his incredibly gorgeous blue eyes (that have their tendencies to change color but are incredibly sexy regardless of color) :D
I have no idea what I’m going to do without him. I mean yes, my life doesn’t revolve around him, I have my school work to worry about too…but the majority of my happiness came from having him in my life…and without him in it, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like tomorrow. Not being able to text or call him whenever I want, never knowing if I’m going to see him again. For all I know, he’s probably going to end up quitting Texas and moving to South Carolina…JUST so he won’t have to deal with seeing me. I was really hoping that things would work out for us. Well really, I’m still hoping. I know that I can’t give up on us this easily; it’s been almost a year and I know that we didn’t stay together this long for nothing. Being with Drew is not just a comfort or security issue for me. Not a fear of being alone, or just knowing that I have someone there…it’s complete and passionate love more than anything in the world. I don’t just want him back…I NEED him back. I want my Drew back. Yep…that’s right….MY DREW :(

Just...Plain...Exhausted

Man, what a couple weeks I've had. So about 4 weeks ago I started my summer school class...A&P (take 2). I definitely have to say that it's slightly easier the second time around, everything starts to make a little more sense; but it's still hard as hell and I've been busting my ass these past 4 weeks so that I can get my A. I've been doing a good job so far, but Thursday and Friday I have 3 exams total...one-third of my final grade. It's been sooo incredibly stressful for me these past 4 weeks. I'm literally about to be at my breaking point with both physical and emotional exhaustion. Getting up at 4:30 in the morning when you are NOT a morning person...just to get to ODU by 6am for lab...I'm tired ALL THE TIME. All the hard work and sacrifices that I have had to make just to get this A...it's so much to take in. Especially when I'm risking everything by not being able to see Drew as much as I would like.

I don't know what I'd do without that boy. Even picturing a day in my life without him gets me upset...I don't know what I'll ever do if he's ever truly gone. Ya know, I never really thought that you would truly "know when you find the One." I always hoped for it, yes, but never really expected it to happen...then it did. Drew is the only guy I EVER want to be with. For the rest of my life. For better or for worse, richer for poorer...I don't care as long as it's with him. Only 4 more weeks to go til this class is over though...hopefully I'll make it through... & we'll make it through together.

Happy 9 months!

So today is Drew and I's 9 month anniversary! Yay =D

I'm so glad that we've made it to this point together. Sadly, this is the longest relationship I've ever been in, but I can definitely see why this one has been the longest. It's definitely the best. Seriously, I couldn't ask for more in the relationship I'm in right now. I've never been so happy in my entire life, and it's because of Drew. I've gone through so much stress in my life over the past 9 months, and Drew has always been there for me to be my supporter, best friend, and lover. And hopefully, if things go my way, this happiness will continue forever =D

On the subject of school, I've decided to go for the whole double major thing and major in both Dental Hygiene (if I get in next year) and Psychology. Psychology definitely isn't my passion, but I do find it interesting and if Dental Hygiene doesn't work out for me, atleast I will have a degree when it's time for me to graduate. It seems like that's the only thing that really matters in the real world anyways. So the plan is to keep on trying for the Dental Hygiene, but for the time being I have to retake two of my classes to boost my GPA, as well as take classes toward my Psych major until I reapply next February for Hygiene school again. Atleast I'm not wasting my time though; the original plan was to take off a year, but honestly, I don't know if I would have gone back. So for the time being, I'm scheduling to retake Anatomy over the summer, (8 weeks of doing NOTHING but anatomy every single week day...yuck) and then start again in the fall with my pscychology courses. I think I'm still going to apply to VCU's program; it doesn't cost anything to apply and it will atleast be another option for me to have. If I do get in there, I'll just figure out what I'm going to do when the time comes...

I'm out =)

Dreams Crushed? Heard.

So I got my letter from dental hygiene school this morning...Deeeenied. Grrrrrrrrreat. So now I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Yeah, I could reapply next year and blah blah blah, but do I really want to go through five years of school PLUS not even be guaranteed that I'll get in next year? It even says on the application that if you take a class over again to boost your GPA that it's frowned upon because you should have got it right the first time basically. I don't even want to show my face at the dental office now after I wasted their time by giving me an internship and writing me my letter of recommendation and everything. More than anything, it's just EMBARRASING. I'm so used to getting everything I've ever wanted that it sucks so bad to be rejected at the one thing that could guarantee every dream I've ever had to come true.

I'm thinking about applying at VCU next year. Their application process is so much more slack than ODU's, I would only have to have a minimum of a 2.5(!!!!) GPA to get in there compared to ODU's 3.2-3.3. I don't understand how schools can have such different standards and yet the people who graduate are getting the same exact degree and are going to be making the same amount of money. It's freaking ridiculous. There's so many pros and cons about going to VCU though. I'll pretty much be guaranteed that I'll get in there, but yet I can't leave Drew behind, and I don't know if I'll be able to quit my job and find a new one in Richmond, plus be able to live on my own. I've been spoiled so bad by commuting to school and having my parents pay for everything, let alone having a job literally 3 minutes from my house.

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:o

Reminiscing...

So for some reason tonight, I keep having these insane "I wish I could go back in time" moments, and I'm not sure why. Really, I think it's just because I miss all my old friends. I always knew that this day would come; all of us would go our separate ways into the "real world" and we would lose touch with a couple people, but I never thought I'd lose touch with pretty much all of them. Even my "best friends" I can't even call my best friends anymore. Drew is my best friend. But that's what I always wanted, right? To have a boyfriend that would also be my best friend and be my world? So why is it that I have recurring thoughts about how much I miss the way things used to be?

I'm definitely not complaining about the way things are right now, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life...it's just that sometimes I wish I had my girl friends there for me like I used to have them. It's my fault, I know. I spend all my free time with my boyfriend...but there's just days, especially when I'm stressed out, that I wish I had a girl to talk to about my problems.

The #1 thing I miss, though?
--I miss how innocent things used to be. I miss how in high school I used to get so much entertainment out of doing stupid stuff like driving around Poquoson, singing obnoxiously in the car, and sneaking around our parents to go party. I miss our girls night outs and our intense conversations about love and life which so quickly turned into being doubled over in laughter. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to high school, if just for a day, to have my friends and that innocence back. I've looked forward to this moment in my life for the past 19 1/2 years, and now that it's finally here, it's so hard for me to take it in. 2 more years, and I could have EVERYTHING that I've ever looked forward to if the cards play out right.

I feel like I'm getting so old, that I'm gaining so much responsibility with each passing day that it's almost overwhelming. I feel that I have so much pressure on me to do what I have to in order to make sure that my life turns out the way that I want it to. I can't even comprehend that my life is being shaped with each decision that I make in these next few years....and each one can either make or break me.