Happy 9 months!

So today is Drew and I's 9 month anniversary! Yay =D

I'm so glad that we've made it to this point together. Sadly, this is the longest relationship I've ever been in, but I can definitely see why this one has been the longest. It's definitely the best. Seriously, I couldn't ask for more in the relationship I'm in right now. I've never been so happy in my entire life, and it's because of Drew. I've gone through so much stress in my life over the past 9 months, and Drew has always been there for me to be my supporter, best friend, and lover. And hopefully, if things go my way, this happiness will continue forever =D

On the subject of school, I've decided to go for the whole double major thing and major in both Dental Hygiene (if I get in next year) and Psychology. Psychology definitely isn't my passion, but I do find it interesting and if Dental Hygiene doesn't work out for me, atleast I will have a degree when it's time for me to graduate. It seems like that's the only thing that really matters in the real world anyways. So the plan is to keep on trying for the Dental Hygiene, but for the time being I have to retake two of my classes to boost my GPA, as well as take classes toward my Psych major until I reapply next February for Hygiene school again. Atleast I'm not wasting my time though; the original plan was to take off a year, but honestly, I don't know if I would have gone back. So for the time being, I'm scheduling to retake Anatomy over the summer, (8 weeks of doing NOTHING but anatomy every single week day...yuck) and then start again in the fall with my pscychology courses. I think I'm still going to apply to VCU's program; it doesn't cost anything to apply and it will atleast be another option for me to have. If I do get in there, I'll just figure out what I'm going to do when the time comes...

I'm out =)

Dreams Crushed? Heard.

So I got my letter from dental hygiene school this morning...Deeeenied. Grrrrrrrrreat. So now I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Yeah, I could reapply next year and blah blah blah, but do I really want to go through five years of school PLUS not even be guaranteed that I'll get in next year? It even says on the application that if you take a class over again to boost your GPA that it's frowned upon because you should have got it right the first time basically. I don't even want to show my face at the dental office now after I wasted their time by giving me an internship and writing me my letter of recommendation and everything. More than anything, it's just EMBARRASING. I'm so used to getting everything I've ever wanted that it sucks so bad to be rejected at the one thing that could guarantee every dream I've ever had to come true.

I'm thinking about applying at VCU next year. Their application process is so much more slack than ODU's, I would only have to have a minimum of a 2.5(!!!!) GPA to get in there compared to ODU's 3.2-3.3. I don't understand how schools can have such different standards and yet the people who graduate are getting the same exact degree and are going to be making the same amount of money. It's freaking ridiculous. There's so many pros and cons about going to VCU though. I'll pretty much be guaranteed that I'll get in there, but yet I can't leave Drew behind, and I don't know if I'll be able to quit my job and find a new one in Richmond, plus be able to live on my own. I've been spoiled so bad by commuting to school and having my parents pay for everything, let alone having a job literally 3 minutes from my house.

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:o

Reminiscing...

So for some reason tonight, I keep having these insane "I wish I could go back in time" moments, and I'm not sure why. Really, I think it's just because I miss all my old friends. I always knew that this day would come; all of us would go our separate ways into the "real world" and we would lose touch with a couple people, but I never thought I'd lose touch with pretty much all of them. Even my "best friends" I can't even call my best friends anymore. Drew is my best friend. But that's what I always wanted, right? To have a boyfriend that would also be my best friend and be my world? So why is it that I have recurring thoughts about how much I miss the way things used to be?

I'm definitely not complaining about the way things are right now, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life...it's just that sometimes I wish I had my girl friends there for me like I used to have them. It's my fault, I know. I spend all my free time with my boyfriend...but there's just days, especially when I'm stressed out, that I wish I had a girl to talk to about my problems.

The #1 thing I miss, though?
--I miss how innocent things used to be. I miss how in high school I used to get so much entertainment out of doing stupid stuff like driving around Poquoson, singing obnoxiously in the car, and sneaking around our parents to go party. I miss our girls night outs and our intense conversations about love and life which so quickly turned into being doubled over in laughter. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to high school, if just for a day, to have my friends and that innocence back. I've looked forward to this moment in my life for the past 19 1/2 years, and now that it's finally here, it's so hard for me to take it in. 2 more years, and I could have EVERYTHING that I've ever looked forward to if the cards play out right.

I feel like I'm getting so old, that I'm gaining so much responsibility with each passing day that it's almost overwhelming. I feel that I have so much pressure on me to do what I have to in order to make sure that my life turns out the way that I want it to. I can't even comprehend that my life is being shaped with each decision that I make in these next few years....and each one can either make or break me.

L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E

I haven't wrote in a lonnng time...but things are pretty much the same. Still in school, still struggling at it, still working at Texas, and still with Drew; and only because of him I'm honestly happier than I've ever been in my entire life...hence the subject of my blog.

I've never had someone be there for me and be my best friend in the entire world and love me as much as I love him-- and never have to worry if he feels the same. He's my prince charming...he really is. I couldn't ask for anything better, and my feelings for him only grow with each passing day. It really does scare me though; it scares me that in a second he could be gone and I could be left here with my heart broken. I trust that he won't though; I honestly I feel like he's the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We've been through a lot together, such as having to deal with the whole Shawn and Melissa situation and a lot of jealousy at the beginning, but it's only because we were both scared of being hurt. Because of the fact that he stuck by me, supported me, and stayed with me that whole time, that's one of the reasons I know that he's the one I want to be with. Just looking at him still gives me butterflies...and honestly, after seven months, that usually doesn't happen to me. But he's amazing...and different...my parents actually love him (which can't be said about any other boyfriend other than one) and I can't imagine going a day in my life without him. Now I'm definitely not saying I'm in any rush to get married, I mean it has only been seven months and things might change, but once I have my life figured out and he has his, I do hope that we're still together so that we can get to that point.

I've dreamed about feeling like this ever since I was a little girl. I always wanted to find the man I wanted to be with after I had my time to do my partying, and then I wanted to settle down. Not that I really thought it was going to happen, but it did! Now, the only thing I have left to do in my dream is get into dental hygiene school and actually graduate college...then live the dream I've always wanted.

It's so crazy to see how this relationship got put together. Never in my life would I think that I'd meet the man I wanted to be with at the club, have him reject me (well I thought), have him move to California and back, and then come back into my life at the weirdest of places....Texas Steakhouse. Strangely, though, I love working with him. It's going to be a sad day when I finally get the balls to quit Texas and he's still working there as a manager. Okay, so maybe it won't be that sad for me cuz I'll be making BANK as a dental hygienist and I won't have to deal with rude obnoxious guests anymore :) But honestly, I hope that everything goes the way I want it to. I know life is going to throw some curve balls and it's not going to happen exactly as planned, but I know that we'll get through it.

Well, now that I've expressed how insanely in love I am with Andrew Ayers, I'm going to go see my sexy ba-r-tender at work :)
then off to my anatomy exam....

Venting...

I can't take school anymore. I feel like I could study my ass off and work hard at it everyday and no matter what I still wouldn't do well. I've been so stressed out lately that it's come to the point where I've felt like I was going to break down--both emotionally and physically. School has never EVER been this hard for me...I could take all four years of my high school career and pile it all on top of each other and it still wouldn't be as hard as this anatomy class is for me. (Studying for it is what I should be doing right now instead of typing up this blog)

The closer that it gets to February, the more and more I keep stressing. Pretty much, my whole future depends on if I do well in these classes this semester and get into hygiene school. If I don't get in, I seriously don't know WHAT I'm going to do.....maybe take a year off and reapply the next year? I don't even want to think about it....

I've been interning at the dentist office and I absolutely LOVE it. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life; THIS is what I want to do. It's so flexible, good money, and I actually enjoy working in those little kids' mouths...gross to some people, haha but I love it and I love being able to help people without technically having their life in my hands. This interning is adding on to the stress though; 7am on a Saturday morning, I want to be in my BED--not in the dental office. That's why I had to take a break from working like I do at Texas. I definitely cannot work Friday night there, Saturday morning at the dentist, Saturday night at Texas, and a double Sunday at Texas like I had been doing. So now I have the next three weeks to study...and just relax a little :)

On a positive note, things with Drew and I are absolutely amazing. I haven't been this happy in SOOOO long...and it's so nice to finally have someone who I can feel like I can put all my trust into. Of course, I'll always have my slight doubts like I'd have with anyone, but I'm amazed at myself for actually being able to trust anyone at all after all the things that Shawn did to me. I'm SO happy that I made the decision to completely end things with him...because I would never be as happy as I am today. I'm head over heels in love...and feeling like that again is such a shock and scares the shit out of me every day to have my heart in someone else's hands. But I think it's in the right person's this time--and I wouldn't change it for the world :)

Think Before You Cheat...

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
the smiles, the flowers, everything...is gone
I found out about you
even now just looking at you...feels wrong
you say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

You should've said no, you should've gone home
you should've thought twice before you let it all go
you should've known that word bout what you did with her would get back to me...
and I should've been there in the back of you mind
and I shouldn't be asking myself why
you shouldn't be begging for my forgiveness at my feet...
you should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying and baby you know all the right things to say
but do you honestly expect me to believe we could ever be the same...
you say that the past is the past, you need one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should have said no.
I can't resist...before you go, tell me this:
was it worth it...was she worth this
...no.


-------------------------------------------------
So while love is an AMAZING feeling and all, I'm starting to think that it definitely hinders your abilities to see when things are terribly wrong...even when people are telling it to you every day. Things with Shawn and I are and have been completely insane. I just couldn't do it though, it all came down to the point where everything was right in my face and I hit rock bottom. I'm tired of hearing apology after apology...especially when there's something new to apologize about every two weeks or so. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you apologize to me, cheating on me will never EVER be okay. That's so disrespectful; and as hard as I've tried, it's become unforgivable.

I did EVERYTHING to make my relationship with Shawn work. Everyone knows that. I put so much into it, and for what? NOTHING. Being cheated on once again, even though he finally said he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. I'm so freakin tired of being the one that puts everything in the relationship just to watch it fail. He and Nichole deserve each other, they really do. Things won't ever be done between them as much as they claim it is. Yes, I may be young, but I definitely know a lot more than that 25 year old "woman". If she's such a woman she might need to grow up a little and stop sleeping around, moving around from place to place and job to job, going out and getting drunk, and then coming home to her child. Real responsible. And to Shawn: You can't say that things have changed when you're still hanging out with her everyday. And saying sorry will never make anything better. You did me wrong....sooooooooo wrong... and there's no coming back. EVER. And aside from all the insanity, I've started hanging out with an amazinggg guy. Who just doesn't deserve to have to be put through this. I'm done.


Ugh. Just had to vent.

It's Just the Way Life Goes...

So I've decided............ I'm going to become gay..
Juussstttt kidding!

Haha but seriously. Every time that I think I've finally found someone to make me truly happy, something goes wrong. Shawn and I broke up two days ago--for good this time. And you know what, as much as I was upset and hurt that night, I honestly think that it was the right decision. He's a great guy and everything, but he doesn't realize how much people care about him and he takes it for granted way too much. There are so many people that know him that want to help him become a better person and come out of the lifestyle that he used to live, and it just sucks watching him ignore everyone and try to look out only for himself. He may be a lot older than I am, but he has a LOT of growing up to do compared to me.

Now, I know that if things continued with us and we got back together AGAIN...it wasn't going to help. I can't be in a relationship where I have to constantly worry about whether or not my boyfriend is feeling the same emotions I am. To be told "I love you so much but I'm not in love with you and can't love you the way that I should..." That hurts. To be lied to time and time again throughout a relationship--that's not healthy either. Maybe I should have learned the first couple times around, ya know?

I'm just so tired of being told that I'm the perfect girl and that I'm so mature for my age and beautiful etc etc...and then, be pretty much told that even though all of that is true, I'm just not good enough. That sh*t sucks. I'm so tired of it...I really am. I'm so tired of putting my heart on the line only to have it thrown around.

So here's to the guys that have hurt me, and to the guys that are going to in the future...

F*ck you =]

That's all I have to say.