MakeUps & BreakUps

Ughhhh I am sooo freakin frustrated right now...

Drew & I are not together anymore as of a couple minutes ago, and honestly I have no one to talk to about this and don't even know where to start on what's running through my head. I wish I could speak to him rationally without things blowing out of proportion or offending him, but I think it's damn near impossible right now considering he's so mad at me.

I'm just so tired of being the bad guy. I'm always the person that is to blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our relationship. It's always something...that's what he always says. How the hell am I supposed to know what that SOMETHING is if he never talks to me about it? I'll know that he's upset just from his body language, but when I ask him to talk to me about it he won't open up. Yet as soon as I'm out the door, I get the nasty text messages that start a huge ass argument--over the phone. Never, has he EVER talked to me about anything in person, and that right there kind of scares me. What are we supposed to do if we ever do get married? Text fight each other from separate rooms? No. I can't do it...I just can't.

I feel like right now the past year and a half of my life is just...gone. Drew has broken up with me so many times I can't even count them, and it's always been about the same thing since the second week we were together. Maybe that should have been a sign right there. He doesn't trust me.

I don't know, to me, I'm the most trustworthy person there is. I would never EVER cheat on him...and despite how much I know that it will NEVER happen and how many times I tell him that, it doesn't get through his head that I'm telling the truth.

As for tonight, I'm so freakin exhausted that I'm just over it. I have no energy to even sit here and cry about it...that's how tired I am. ..but I can't even sleep because all of these thoughts are going through my head that I just have to vent about.

Tomorrow I turn in my dental hygiene application, and after that, it's just a waiting game. A game that determines how the rest of my life will turn out. I'm so stressed out about this application, I mean it has to be BEYOND perfect because my grades still aren't up to par...I'm just going to have to rely on pure begging in my admissions essay. It's so hard having to deal with trying to get straight A's as well as worrying about a boyfriend that doesn't trust me. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall because he just doesn't listen to what I have to say. But it's always my fault when he doesn't remember me telling him something or he mixes up my schedule.

For now, I'm letting Drew do what he wants to do. I'm NOT going to sit here and beg for him to come back because that only makes me look like the idiot that comes running back to the person who says they want to be with you one minute and wants to break up with you the next. I should be worth more than that. I AM worth more than that...and I'm not going to let myself be sucked in just because I love him. I need PROOF that I actually mean something to him.

Love is so fucking crazy and it does some insane things to your mind...deep down I KNOW that Drew is the only guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life...but can HE handle being with me? It hurts so bad to be told that I'm just too much stress to deal with...but what can I do. I'm only human, and I do make mistakes, but I know that choosing to be with Drew is not a mistake. It's what I want, and it's the only thing that I want...however the angry side of Drew I just don't know if I can deal with. Hopefully, I'll get MY Drew back.