I can't take school anymore. I feel like I could study my ass off and work hard at it everyday and no matter what I still wouldn't do well. I've been so stressed out lately that it's come to the point where I've felt like I was going to break down--both emotionally and physically. School has never EVER been this hard for me...I could take all four years of my high school career and pile it all on top of each other and it still wouldn't be as hard as this anatomy class is for me. (Studying for it is what I should be doing right now instead of typing up this blog)
The closer that it gets to February, the more and more I keep stressing. Pretty much, my whole future depends on if I do well in these classes this semester and get into hygiene school. If I don't get in, I seriously don't know WHAT I'm going to do.....maybe take a year off and reapply the next year? I don't even want to think about it....
I've been interning at the dentist office and I absolutely LOVE it. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life; THIS is what I want to do. It's so flexible, good money, and I actually enjoy working in those little kids' mouths...gross to some people, haha but I love it and I love being able to help people without technically having their life in my hands. This interning is adding on to the stress though; 7am on a Saturday morning, I want to be in my BED--not in the dental office. That's why I had to take a break from working like I do at Texas. I definitely cannot work Friday night there, Saturday morning at the dentist, Saturday night at Texas, and a double Sunday at Texas like I had been doing. So now I have the next three weeks to study...and just relax a little :)
On a positive note, things with Drew and I are absolutely amazing. I haven't been this happy in SOOOO long...and it's so nice to finally have someone who I can feel like I can put all my trust into. Of course, I'll always have my slight doubts like I'd have with anyone, but I'm amazed at myself for actually being able to trust anyone at all after all the things that Shawn did to me. I'm SO happy that I made the decision to completely end things with him...because I would never be as happy as I am today. I'm head over heels in love...and feeling like that again is such a shock and scares the shit out of me every day to have my heart in someone else's hands. But I think it's in the right person's this time--and I wouldn't change it for the world :)
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Think Before You Cheat...
It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
the smiles, the flowers, everything...is gone
I found out about you
even now just looking at you...feels wrong
you say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should've said no, you should've gone home
you should've thought twice before you let it all go
you should've known that word bout what you did with her would get back to me...
and I should've been there in the back of you mind
and I shouldn't be asking myself why
you shouldn't be begging for my forgiveness at my feet...
you should've said no, baby and you might still have me
You can see that I've been crying and baby you know all the right things to say
but do you honestly expect me to believe we could ever be the same...
you say that the past is the past, you need one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should have said no.
I can't resist...before you go, tell me this:
was it worth it...was she worth this
...no.
-------------------------------------------------
So while love is an AMAZING feeling and all, I'm starting to think that it definitely hinders your abilities to see when things are terribly wrong...even when people are telling it to you every day. Things with Shawn and I are and have been completely insane. I just couldn't do it though, it all came down to the point where everything was right in my face and I hit rock bottom. I'm tired of hearing apology after apology...especially when there's something new to apologize about every two weeks or so. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you apologize to me, cheating on me will never EVER be okay. That's so disrespectful; and as hard as I've tried, it's become unforgivable.
I did EVERYTHING to make my relationship with Shawn work. Everyone knows that. I put so much into it, and for what? NOTHING. Being cheated on once again, even though he finally said he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. I'm so freakin tired of being the one that puts everything in the relationship just to watch it fail. He and Nichole deserve each other, they really do. Things won't ever be done between them as much as they claim it is. Yes, I may be young, but I definitely know a lot more than that 25 year old "woman". If she's such a woman she might need to grow up a little and stop sleeping around, moving around from place to place and job to job, going out and getting drunk, and then coming home to her child. Real responsible. And to Shawn: You can't say that things have changed when you're still hanging out with her everyday. And saying sorry will never make anything better. You did me wrong....sooooooooo wrong... and there's no coming back. EVER. And aside from all the insanity, I've started hanging out with an amazinggg guy. Who just doesn't deserve to have to be put through this. I'm done.
Ugh. Just had to vent.
the smiles, the flowers, everything...is gone
I found out about you
even now just looking at you...feels wrong
you say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should've said no, you should've gone home
you should've thought twice before you let it all go
you should've known that word bout what you did with her would get back to me...
and I should've been there in the back of you mind
and I shouldn't be asking myself why
you shouldn't be begging for my forgiveness at my feet...
you should've said no, baby and you might still have me
You can see that I've been crying and baby you know all the right things to say
but do you honestly expect me to believe we could ever be the same...
you say that the past is the past, you need one chance
it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...
You should have said no.
I can't resist...before you go, tell me this:
was it worth it...was she worth this
...no.
-------------------------------------------------
So while love is an AMAZING feeling and all, I'm starting to think that it definitely hinders your abilities to see when things are terribly wrong...even when people are telling it to you every day. Things with Shawn and I are and have been completely insane. I just couldn't do it though, it all came down to the point where everything was right in my face and I hit rock bottom. I'm tired of hearing apology after apology...especially when there's something new to apologize about every two weeks or so. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you apologize to me, cheating on me will never EVER be okay. That's so disrespectful; and as hard as I've tried, it's become unforgivable.
I did EVERYTHING to make my relationship with Shawn work. Everyone knows that. I put so much into it, and for what? NOTHING. Being cheated on once again, even though he finally said he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. I'm so freakin tired of being the one that puts everything in the relationship just to watch it fail. He and Nichole deserve each other, they really do. Things won't ever be done between them as much as they claim it is. Yes, I may be young, but I definitely know a lot more than that 25 year old "woman". If she's such a woman she might need to grow up a little and stop sleeping around, moving around from place to place and job to job, going out and getting drunk, and then coming home to her child. Real responsible. And to Shawn: You can't say that things have changed when you're still hanging out with her everyday. And saying sorry will never make anything better. You did me wrong....sooooooooo wrong... and there's no coming back. EVER. And aside from all the insanity, I've started hanging out with an amazinggg guy. Who just doesn't deserve to have to be put through this. I'm done.
Ugh. Just had to vent.
Friday, May 25, 2007
It's Just the Way Life Goes...
So I've decided............ I'm going to become gay..
Juussstttt kidding!
Haha but seriously. Every time that I think I've finally found someone to make me truly happy, something goes wrong. Shawn and I broke up two days ago--for good this time. And you know what, as much as I was upset and hurt that night, I honestly think that it was the right decision. He's a great guy and everything, but he doesn't realize how much people care about him and he takes it for granted way too much. There are so many people that know him that want to help him become a better person and come out of the lifestyle that he used to live, and it just sucks watching him ignore everyone and try to look out only for himself. He may be a lot older than I am, but he has a LOT of growing up to do compared to me.
Now, I know that if things continued with us and we got back together AGAIN...it wasn't going to help. I can't be in a relationship where I have to constantly worry about whether or not my boyfriend is feeling the same emotions I am. To be told "I love you so much but I'm not in love with you and can't love you the way that I should..." That hurts. To be lied to time and time again throughout a relationship--that's not healthy either. Maybe I should have learned the first couple times around, ya know?
I'm just so tired of being told that I'm the perfect girl and that I'm so mature for my age and beautiful etc etc...and then, be pretty much told that even though all of that is true, I'm just not good enough. That sh*t sucks. I'm so tired of it...I really am. I'm so tired of putting my heart on the line only to have it thrown around.
So here's to the guys that have hurt me, and to the guys that are going to in the future...
F*ck you =]
That's all I have to say.
Juussstttt kidding!
Haha but seriously. Every time that I think I've finally found someone to make me truly happy, something goes wrong. Shawn and I broke up two days ago--for good this time. And you know what, as much as I was upset and hurt that night, I honestly think that it was the right decision. He's a great guy and everything, but he doesn't realize how much people care about him and he takes it for granted way too much. There are so many people that know him that want to help him become a better person and come out of the lifestyle that he used to live, and it just sucks watching him ignore everyone and try to look out only for himself. He may be a lot older than I am, but he has a LOT of growing up to do compared to me.
Now, I know that if things continued with us and we got back together AGAIN...it wasn't going to help. I can't be in a relationship where I have to constantly worry about whether or not my boyfriend is feeling the same emotions I am. To be told "I love you so much but I'm not in love with you and can't love you the way that I should..." That hurts. To be lied to time and time again throughout a relationship--that's not healthy either. Maybe I should have learned the first couple times around, ya know?
I'm just so tired of being told that I'm the perfect girl and that I'm so mature for my age and beautiful etc etc...and then, be pretty much told that even though all of that is true, I'm just not good enough. That sh*t sucks. I'm so tired of it...I really am. I'm so tired of putting my heart on the line only to have it thrown around.
So here's to the guys that have hurt me, and to the guys that are going to in the future...
F*ck you =]
That's all I have to say.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Err update?
I knew it wouldn't take me very long to forget about this thing. I haven't written in over a month! Not that there has been anything too exciting for me to write about...
Work still pretty much sucks, although Jeff is really starting to grow on me and work is becoming slightly more bearable than it was when Scott was there. Plus, David being there always makes things at Texas so much better. (I know he's one of the few people that read this so I decided to throw him in there, hehe. But honestly, it's the truth too.)
School, well that's a story in itself. How is it that I don't go to my Chemistry class for 2 weeks and get a 90 on the exam, then when I actually go to class I don't comprehend anything and get a 60!? So, I haven't been to Chemistry since my last exam....and I have another one coming up on Tuesday. We'll see how that one goes. Finals are coming up next week; I'm starting to stress about it already. I have to do good this semester so that I can get into my Dental Hygiene program--otherwise I'm screwed for life. My schedule for next semester looks pretty sweet, I gotta get up at 5:30 in the morning MWF, but I'm out early every day and have no class at all on Thursdays so I think I'll survive.
Another update: The love life problems I had a month ago are finally solved now; I think it took me losing Shawn for real and thinking that I was never going to get him back to realize how much I truly cared about him and how much I love him. The week without him I tried to act happy; I mean hey I was the one that broke up with him. But when it came down to it, I wasn't happy. After not talking to him for 5 days, it became unbearable for me to go another second without speaking to him. I had to talk to him, and I had to get him back--and luckily, I did. I almost lost him, things were so hectic those next couple days. It seemed like we had both tried to move on and were struggling to do so, so we kept on changing our minds about what we wanted. But I guess we just couldn't get over each other enough to do it. Shawn came up to Texas on Tuesday night after we broke up and now we're together and happier than we ever were before.
Welp, I'm f*in exhausted; I'm procrastinating hard core on doing my homework...so I think I'm going to go do that. Maybe in another month I'll decide to come back and try this again.
Work still pretty much sucks, although Jeff is really starting to grow on me and work is becoming slightly more bearable than it was when Scott was there. Plus, David being there always makes things at Texas so much better. (I know he's one of the few people that read this so I decided to throw him in there, hehe. But honestly, it's the truth too.)
School, well that's a story in itself. How is it that I don't go to my Chemistry class for 2 weeks and get a 90 on the exam, then when I actually go to class I don't comprehend anything and get a 60!? So, I haven't been to Chemistry since my last exam....and I have another one coming up on Tuesday. We'll see how that one goes. Finals are coming up next week; I'm starting to stress about it already. I have to do good this semester so that I can get into my Dental Hygiene program--otherwise I'm screwed for life. My schedule for next semester looks pretty sweet, I gotta get up at 5:30 in the morning MWF, but I'm out early every day and have no class at all on Thursdays so I think I'll survive.
Another update: The love life problems I had a month ago are finally solved now; I think it took me losing Shawn for real and thinking that I was never going to get him back to realize how much I truly cared about him and how much I love him. The week without him I tried to act happy; I mean hey I was the one that broke up with him. But when it came down to it, I wasn't happy. After not talking to him for 5 days, it became unbearable for me to go another second without speaking to him. I had to talk to him, and I had to get him back--and luckily, I did. I almost lost him, things were so hectic those next couple days. It seemed like we had both tried to move on and were struggling to do so, so we kept on changing our minds about what we wanted. But I guess we just couldn't get over each other enough to do it. Shawn came up to Texas on Tuesday night after we broke up and now we're together and happier than we ever were before.
Welp, I'm f*in exhausted; I'm procrastinating hard core on doing my homework...so I think I'm going to go do that. Maybe in another month I'll decide to come back and try this again.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Lessons Learned
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
Ahh I love Carrie Underwood :)
Well I didn't put that song up there just because I like it; although I do happen to LOVE it...but it pretty much sums up everything I wanted to write in this blog. These past couple days have been complete CHAOS in my head; I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I've always been the person that seems like they have their love life under control--but seriously, I haven't got a clue anymore.
I've never been told what to do by anyone other than my parents, and for some reason, in this relationship, while I'm not told exactly what I can and cannot do, I feel like I'm being made to feel bad about going out on a regular basis. I'm 18 years old, and maybe that's the problem with dating someone older. They've had their years to party, but what the heck, I'm just starting mine--and I happen to love it. It's so much different once you turn 21. You can sit around and be like "hey, lets go get a drink" and then go to a bar or restaurant, whatever. It's so much different for underage people like myself.
Pretty much, I could go on and on about all the things that bother me, but I'm going to choose not to for the sake of whomever may read this. But to put it bluntly, I just don't think I'm happy anymore--and I hate this feeling. I'm tired of being dependent on guys, but I'd rather be in a relationship any day than to be out talking to random guys and stuff at a bar. I have no clue what I'm going to do, I wish I could see the future...
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
Ahh I love Carrie Underwood :)
Well I didn't put that song up there just because I like it; although I do happen to LOVE it...but it pretty much sums up everything I wanted to write in this blog. These past couple days have been complete CHAOS in my head; I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I've always been the person that seems like they have their love life under control--but seriously, I haven't got a clue anymore.
I've never been told what to do by anyone other than my parents, and for some reason, in this relationship, while I'm not told exactly what I can and cannot do, I feel like I'm being made to feel bad about going out on a regular basis. I'm 18 years old, and maybe that's the problem with dating someone older. They've had their years to party, but what the heck, I'm just starting mine--and I happen to love it. It's so much different once you turn 21. You can sit around and be like "hey, lets go get a drink" and then go to a bar or restaurant, whatever. It's so much different for underage people like myself.
Pretty much, I could go on and on about all the things that bother me, but I'm going to choose not to for the sake of whomever may read this. But to put it bluntly, I just don't think I'm happy anymore--and I hate this feeling. I'm tired of being dependent on guys, but I'd rather be in a relationship any day than to be out talking to random guys and stuff at a bar. I have no clue what I'm going to do, I wish I could see the future...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I Hate Growing Up
Even though I always say that I love school, the start of this week has just been complete HELL. I didn't do anything that I said I was going to do over Spring Break, and I've come to realize that I'm the biggest procrastinator in the world.
I knew that I had an exam coming up today...but did I study over break? Absolutely not. I'm pretty sure I failed it today...and on top of that, didn't even get my lab report finished so I probably got a bad grade on that as well. What the heck is wrong with me? It's not like I even did anything productive over Spring Break. I still haven't found a car, still haven't got my eyes checked (I'm on my last pair and can't order any until I get them checked; AND I can't see worth shit right now), still haven't got my last hepatitis shot, and still haven't gotten my hair cut. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm grown and moved out of my parents' house. I'm honestly scared to go to the doctor by myself because I'm scared that I'll pass out from the shot like I almost did last time. Car shopping, well, I'm just scared that I'm going to be ripped off on something because I'm a girl, and just in general--I hate being by myself.
All in all, I'm honestly scared of growing up. I know I talk to my parents like I've got everything under control and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in life, but i have no clue. I don't really pay for anything right now. I mean my cell phone bill, all my food, clothes, and gas; but other than that, I have no idea where my money goes. I can't imagine going from this lifestyle I have right now to one where I have rent, utilities, insurance, car payments, and God knows what other bills. I want to move out of this house SO BAD sometimes because I just feel like I'm this huge inconvenience to my parents, but I just can't get up the balls to do it. Everything has been pretty much handed to me all my life, and while I thank my parents for always being there for me and providing me with that stuff, sometimes I do wish that I had it rough so that I would be more prepared for "going out into the real world."
I know I'm only 18...I'm still young and I have a long way to go--but I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I loved junior and senior year. I had so much fun, I was able to drive and do whatever the hell I felt like doing--minus the 12:00 curfew, but I still had a blast. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to high school. Wow.......never thought I would hear that come out of my mouth...
I knew that I had an exam coming up today...but did I study over break? Absolutely not. I'm pretty sure I failed it today...and on top of that, didn't even get my lab report finished so I probably got a bad grade on that as well. What the heck is wrong with me? It's not like I even did anything productive over Spring Break. I still haven't found a car, still haven't got my eyes checked (I'm on my last pair and can't order any until I get them checked; AND I can't see worth shit right now), still haven't got my last hepatitis shot, and still haven't gotten my hair cut. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm grown and moved out of my parents' house. I'm honestly scared to go to the doctor by myself because I'm scared that I'll pass out from the shot like I almost did last time. Car shopping, well, I'm just scared that I'm going to be ripped off on something because I'm a girl, and just in general--I hate being by myself.
All in all, I'm honestly scared of growing up. I know I talk to my parents like I've got everything under control and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do in life, but i have no clue. I don't really pay for anything right now. I mean my cell phone bill, all my food, clothes, and gas; but other than that, I have no idea where my money goes. I can't imagine going from this lifestyle I have right now to one where I have rent, utilities, insurance, car payments, and God knows what other bills. I want to move out of this house SO BAD sometimes because I just feel like I'm this huge inconvenience to my parents, but I just can't get up the balls to do it. Everything has been pretty much handed to me all my life, and while I thank my parents for always being there for me and providing me with that stuff, sometimes I do wish that I had it rough so that I would be more prepared for "going out into the real world."
I know I'm only 18...I'm still young and I have a long way to go--but I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I loved junior and senior year. I had so much fun, I was able to drive and do whatever the hell I felt like doing--minus the 12:00 curfew, but I still had a blast. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to high school. Wow.......never thought I would hear that come out of my mouth...
Friday, March 9, 2007
Hello!
So after having a livejournal and completely stopping posting entries on that for a good year or so, I've decided to give blogging another try. I know I won't be able to keep up with it; but hey, now I can vent to the computer screen anytime I need to. Sounds like a plan to me. Anyway, this is just a hello to those of you who might be reading this, I'll be sure to try and post a decent read-worthy blog in the near future. Love, me :)
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